A Change in Plans
by GoryParatrooper
Summary: WTF? Someone told me, "Hey Rune, this is so wrong I can't believe this is still here!" Well, I'm back b&hes!
1. Fuck Kaoru!

A/n: My first SI fic is now here!!! MUWAHAHAHAHAH!!! I plan to change a few things for my benefit. Now, on with the show!  
  
Disclaimer: I only own myself biyotch!  
  
RuneKnightPictures Proudly Presents: A Change in Plans  
  
Chapter 1  
  
Fuck Kaoru!  
  
A long time ago, in a galaxy far away... actually the suburbs of Maryland. In a house on the top floor, Evanescence is on and two identical teenagers are smoking a blunt. One is wearing a sweatshirt with a hood over his head. The other is in JNCO jeans and a Maryland Terrapins t-shirt.  
  
Rune, coughing up a storm: Hit that shit son.  
  
Nick, takes blunt and hits it: Where'd you get this shit?  
  
Rune: Your ass.  
  
Rune laughs like a maniac then goes on the computer. After clicking a few keys he's on www.fanfiction.net/~RuneKnightPictures. He checks his favorite stories list and frowns.  
  
Rune: I'm tired of Greengo's idea of messing with Evangelion. I'm going to go into my own story and fuck around.  
  
Nick, looking over Rune's shoulder: Is it because you're Instrumentality threats aren't getting through.  
  
Rune: No! Okay, maybe a little, but I want my own fun time.  
  
Nick: Then, let's go into Evangelion!  
  
Rune goes into Microsoft Word and starts typing like crazy.  
  
NERV...  
  
Rune and Nick arrive behind Kaoru as he's about to sync with Unit-02.  
  
Rune, giggling: Unit.  
  
Nick: Later. Excuse me, Kaoru Nagisa?  
  
Kaoru: Yes?  
  
Nick: I'm sorry, but we're here to kill you and stop you from fucking up Shinji's mind.  
  
Kaoru: Why ever would you kill me?  
  
Nick: Don't get me started... Tabris!  
  
Kaoru, gasps: How did you know?  
  
Rune: I'll tell you in another life, you little faggot ass nigga!  
  
Rune pulls out a bag labeled, 'FUN TOYS' and starts going through it looking for things.  
  
Rune: Blindfolds, ball gags, vibrators... Ah! Here it is.  
  
Nick sweat drops as he watches Rune pull out his most infamous weapon... a dead mole.  
  
Kaoru: O_o'  
  
Nick: What happened to the sword.  
  
Rune: I traded it in for a Asuka/Rei/Maya video.   
  
Nick: Dude, your fantasies are fucked up.  
  
Rune: True. At least I have fantasies, Mr. Pure-and-Holy.  
  
Nick: Just kill Kaoru.  
  
Rune, lifting mole up above his head: Right. Cheerio!  
  
Kaoru: SECTION TWO!!!!  
  
Five Section 2 agents come in and cock their eyebrows at the two teenagers. Rune motions to Nick to take care of it.  
  
Nick: This is where all my lessons come in.  
  
As the agents close in, Nick starts yelling.  
  
Nick: GET OFF MY PURSE!!!!!  
  
Nick proceeds to kick the closest one in the balls. The others back up a little and grin, being the stupid fucks they are, they think they can handle a pissy writer.  
  
Nick, kicking another in the balls: I DON'T KNOW YOU!!!!  
  
The rest of the agents watch as Nick takes them out one by one. The last crumples to the ground, now being devoid one testicle.  
  
Rune: Where was I?  
  
Rune smacks Kaoru with the dead mole and smiles. Nick goes over and kicks him in the balls.  
  
Nick: An this is for being a whiny little bitch! And for breaking Shinji's heart! And for raping Asuka!  
  
Rune: That was the 15th Angel.  
  
Nick, smiling: It was his brother.  
  
Rune: Oh yeah! This one's for even being in the story in the first place!  
  
By now Kaoru is becoming a bloody pulp that resembles Adam's embryo.  
  
Ritsuko, coming in: What the hell happened here? Where's the Fifth Child?  
  
Rune: He's here, and there, and over there, and one of his eyes is in Unit-02's face.  
  
Ritsuko: Who did this.  
  
Rune, as he begins to fade out dramatically: The answer will come soon young Skywalker.  
  
Rune's House of Love (Straight love.)...  
  
Rune: That was fun! I want to do that again sometime.  
  
Nick: Yeah. That was invigorating. Now, where the fuck did you put that blunt?  
  
A/N: MUWAHAHAH! I had fun. I'll do this again sometime. 


	2. What's up with the Amish Beard?

Rune: Once again we have a tale of weed, deranged writers, and fucked up situations.  
  
Nick: And all those things come from this dumbasses mouth.  
  
Rune: Well then fuck you!  
  
Nick: We do not own a single thing in these fics, except for our weed and ourselves.  
  
A Change in Plans   
  
Chapter 2  
  
What's up with the Amish Beard?  
  
Rune's House of Love (Straight Love)...  
  
Once again we appear in Rune's room, a place dominated by rap posters, an Xbox, mangas, and a closet which holds of course my favorite thing in the world... ganja.  
  
  
  
Rune is sitting in front of a smoldering computer holding a custom Colt .44.  
  
Rune: Syntax error my ass.  
  
Nick: One review that even slightly says you're gay makes you snap.  
  
Rune: Let me make one thing clear, me and my girlfriend have a fun time with sex. Anything found in that bag is used on her except for the blindfold, that's shared evenly.  
  
Nick: Dude, I think I'm gonna puke.  
  
Rune: Shut up virgin. You wanna fuck with Evangelion or not?  
  
Nick: But Kaoru was the only fun one to fuck with.  
  
Rune: Except for Gendo.  
  
Nick slowing understands what he means. He pulls out a 40 and a couple of blunts.  
  
Rune: Good move, we roll and we're out.  
  
Gendy's Office (It's sometime before Kaoru shows up)...  
  
Gendou is practicing keeping his chin warm and... practicing keeping his chin warm. A warp hole opens and our heroes show up.  
  
Rune: Please keep your hands in the vehicle until we come to a complete stop.  
  
They walk up holding their blunts and sniggering.  
  
Gendou: Who are you?  
  
Rune: We can only be one thing. We are God.  
  
Gendou: _ I find that hard to believe.  
  
Nick: You got us. We're just pissed off writers.  
  
Rune: Like that really explains a thing.  
  
Gendou, thinking: Why does all this shit happen to me?  
  
Nick: I knew he thought just like everyone else.  
  
Rune: Either that or those fucking shrooms are kicking in.  
  
Nick: That too.  
  
Gendou: What do you want?  
  
Rune: Your ass on a platter.  
  
Nick: That was John the Baptist.  
  
Rune: Fine. We're just here to fucks with ya.  
  
Rune snaps his fingers and Gendou is taped to the chair with a piece of tape over his mouth.  
  
Nick: And lets see what's on his computer.  
  
Nick types on Gendou's computer and brings up a video called 'My Day at the Office'. It shows a very hardcore image of Gendou and Ritsuko doin IT.  
  
Rune: I didn't think that position was possible.  
  
Nick, inserting disc into computer: Here we go.  
  
Rune: Why the hell would you do that?  
  
Nick: There are sickos who would pay top dollar for this kind of hentai.  
  
Rune: Bong.  
  
Gendou, thinking: Maybe I shouldn't have kept the security cameras on 24/7.  
  
Rune: Now I am going to ask a question: What's up with the Amish Beard?  
  
Gendou, thinking: Why is it that everyone questions the beard.  
  
Nick: Lay off the Amish guy.  
  
Rune: Fine... But before we leave...  
  
Rune pokes a whole in the tape over Gendou's mouth and sticks a blunt in.  
  
Rune: Blaze two and see me in the morning.  
  
They fade out.  
  
Later...  
  
Ritsuko comes looking for Gendou and finds him tied up in his office.  
  
Ritsuko: Are you okay?!  
  
Gendou, looks up stupidly: You're in a porn video that God took away.  
  
Thank God it is over..... 


	3. A Most Triumphant End

Rune: I can't believe it, the last chapter of my excellent adventure. It's been fun but we have got end this somewhere.  
  
Nick: Yes, but we will get to fucks with someone one last time.  
  
A Change in Plans  
  
Chapter 3  
  
A Most Triumphant End  
  
Where the hell else would they be?!  
  
Nick runs in holding a paper sack and a small Ziploc bag.  
  
Nick: Snootchie botchies.  
  
He sweatdrops when he sees Rune decked out in full Gondorian armor and standing in front of the computer.  
  
Nick: What kind of party did I miss?  
  
Rune: It is time my ganja-inhaling friend.  
  
Nick: Fuck, you're gonna kill me.  
  
Rune: ~_~ I wish. We must finish what we've started.  
  
Nick: Oh, the whole fuck up Evangelion thing.  
  
Rune is about to have a serious headache and grabs a jay off the desk. He lights it and regains his serious look.  
  
Rune: Today is the mother load, everyone.  
  
Nick: Everyone?  
  
Rune: I fucking said that already.  
  
Nick: What do I wear?  
  
Rune snaps his finger and Nick is in one of those cool Angel outfits from Dogma.  
  
Nick: In homage to Jay and Silent Bob, bong.  
  
Rune: This is why I wanted a ferret instead of you.  
  
NERV Conference Room.  
  
Everyone important in the series materialized into the Conference Room (Except for Kaoru, Nick really did fuck him up bad.).  
  
Ritsuko: How the hell did we get here?  
  
Gendou is actually showing signs of panic.  
  
Gendou: They're back!!!  
  
Rune and Nick walk in with their kick ass 'LOTR" and Dogma armor.  
  
Rune: Greeting folks, for all of you who have not had the pleasure of being smoked up by us: I am Rune, and this is my hetero life mate Nick.  
  
Ritsuko: You two are the ones who killed Kaoru!!!  
  
Nick, whispering: How does she know that?  
  
Rune: Because dumbass, if it happened before this moment, it has become a part of the time continuum in this world. Now explain shit for brains.  
  
Nick: Right. We are scientists from another world who are doing various experiments to determine the effects of dimension travel on the universe. The first phase of the experiment involved the killing of Kaoru. The second was getting Gendou Ikari high. We did find a porn that sold for a thousand dollars to some dude named Greengo. Now we plan to. Where the fuck did Rune and Misato go?  
  
Rune, pokes his head out of a closet and mouths: Five more minutes.  
  
Nick: Get the hell outta there!! You don't know where she's been.  
  
Rune walks out of the closet adjusting his armor.  
  
Rune: I'll call ya sometime Miso-Cakes!  
  
Nick: So, we have individual plans for all of you.  
  
Rune: Yes. First, LESBO ACTION!!!!  
  
Rune and Nick shove Ritsuko into the already defiled closet and grabbed Maya Ibuki.  
  
Rune, whispering: Ritsuko knows you are a lesbian and says she wants you.  
  
Maya's face brightens and she runs into the closet.  
  
Nick locks the door.  
  
Rune: Asshole!! You didn't give me time to install a camera.  
  
The others pale at the thought of what is going to happen to them.  
  
Nick and Rune whisper to each other and smile.  
  
Everyone else: Meep.  
  
Rune and Nick hand a pan of brownies to Rei.  
  
Rune: Eat. Now.  
  
Rei sniffs the brownies.  
  
Rei: I would prefer not to.  
  
Rune, backhands Rei: I didn't want to do that. EAT!!!  
  
Rei slowly eats a brownie. She then grabs another one.  
  
Ten minutes later.  
  
Rei: ^________^ I swear to Lilith these brownies are delicious!!! You have to give me the recipe! I mean they're like.  
  
Rune, putting bullets into his Colt .44 Special: My own plan has backfired on me. The chick won't shut up.  
  
Nick: In other words. she is like any of our past girlfriends.  
  
They both put some tape over her mouth to make her stupid words an inaudible muffle.  
  
Rune: Oh Shinji.  
  
Shinji backs himself into the corner.  
  
Nick: Don't tell me we're gonna kick his ass.  
  
Rune hands Shinji a DVD.  
  
Rune, whispering: Do everything you see on this DVD to Asuka.  
  
Shinji nodded weakly.  
  
Asuka: What's your plan for me dumbkoff?!  
  
Rune and Nick look at each other.  
  
Rune: Give you exactly what you deserve.  
  
They both smack her HARD.  
  
Asuka, tears come to her eyes.  
  
Nick: You wondered why nobody likes you? It is because of you. All you ever do is put people down if they show even the smallest potential of being stronger than you, then expect them to treat you like a goddess for your hot vunderbar body..  
  
Rune: Down boy.  
  
They leave Asuka to ponder what they just said and go to Gendou.  
  
Gendou hides under his chair.  
  
Rune: The sentence please.  
  
Nick: Gendou Ikari, for being a complete jackass and prick, we sentence you to an hour of watching S&M whore porn.  
  
Rune: Which no living man should ever have to watch.  
  
Rune snaps his fingers and a portal opens.  
  
Nick: We will also leave you guys with a song.  
  
Nick&Rune: This is Major Tom to Ground Control, I'm stepping through the door. And I'm floating in a most peculiar way. And the stars look very different today. For here am I sitting in a tin can, far above the world. Planet Earth is blue, and there's nothing I can do.  
  
They leave after some scattered applause.  
  
Gendou is screaming while strapped to a chair with his eyelids stapled open, watching the porn.  
  
This is now truly over, thank God!  
  
God: I seriously need to destroy their weed supply. 


	4. Time for a Paradise, Namely Mine

Rune: I know, I said it was done but I couldn't resist one last good fucks.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Evangelion or the rappers who appear in this story. Guest appearances by Greengo and Co. and Scarlet Tears.  
  
A Change in Plans  
  
Chapter 4  
  
Time for a Paradise, Namely Mine  
  
Tokyo-3 seemed to be back to normal except for a few minor changes. Rei was continually searching for the one who could make the brownies she so desired. Maya and Ritsuko were going at it like animals every waking moment. Shinji dared not to touch the video fearing it would corrupt him. Gendo would not leave his office after watching the gay S&M porn, he had learned humility. Yet, there was more in store for these people. Namely, Third Impact.  
  
Pool Party...  
  
Have you ever seen a party in the 301. No? Then come with me...  
  
Swift:   
  
I'm a disrupted nigger, you made me crazy  
  
You shoulda slayed me as a baby  
  
Behavin shadier than Wes Craven...  
  
And you ain't even got to pay me  
  
I take pleasure in laying a nigga down daily  
  
You face me?  
  
Fuck is over think fast  
  
I'm never fucked up to where I can't whip your ass  
  
You niggas get snapped with bare hands  
  
Yo, fuck you!  
  
If he's rappin cool if not he's just confusing  
  
What happens is I get ruthless and I'm scantless  
  
I blow your two kids off the atlas  
  
With a gat that's bigger than Godzilla's bag nigga  
  
You are not true to the fact that we crack dilla  
  
As everyone parties two figures show up. One is wearing a FUBU coat and JNCO jeans while the other is in a camouflage winter coat and a bottle of Hennessy in his hand.  
  
Rune: I love the week after exams.  
  
Nick: That Honors Bio was a bitch.  
  
Rune: I swear Smith is out for my blood.  
  
They come upon Greengo and his friends at the keg and mini-bar.  
  
Greengo, downing a shot of Tequila: Ahhhh. Nice party mate.  
  
Chris: Yeah, music and booze. How did you do it?  
  
Nick: Our brother is a party animal.  
  
He points to a 21 year old deaf man who is hitting a bong at the side of the pool.  
  
James: Er... charming.  
  
They all stop to admire the girls walking by. One growls at Rune.  
  
Rune: This party gives me some ideas for a lemon.  
  
C.j. does a boaby slap.  
  
Rune: I think my brain just went pop.  
  
Nick: STOP THE FUCKING VIOLENCE!!!  
  
C.j. starts to pull out his blade end.  
  
Nick: On second thought, do continue.  
  
Rune, hitting blunt: And Evangelion has been changed to my specifications.  
  
Greengo: Except for Shinji.  
  
Rune, chokes: WHAT DO YOU MEAN EXCEPT FOR SHINJI?!?!?  
  
Chris: He didn't watch the porn.  
  
Rune: Time for some divine intervention.  
  
Scarlet: I'll call Heaven and see if anyone's available.  
  
Rune: I'm really starting to hate you. Wanna fuck?  
  
SMACK!!!!  
  
Rune: Right, leaving.  
  
Katsuragi Place...  
  
Shinji opened the door to the apartment and was greeted by a large amount of smoke.  
  
Shinji: OH NO, FIRE!!!!  
  
Pen-Pen stumbled out.  
  
Pen-Pen: Wark... wark... waaaark? (Translation: Hi there... Mr. Fish boy... got some poontang?)  
  
Shinji: This smoke smells funny.  
  
???: Enter ass belonker.  
  
???2: Belonker...  
  
Shinji walks in and a pair of hands throws him onto the couch with a long glass thing in front of him.  
  
Shinji: ...  
  
???: Go on hit it!!!  
  
The end of it is shoved into his mouth and a lighter is lit. He tries to scream but instead inhales a load of brain killing smoke.  
  
???: Introductions. I am Rune and this is my hetero life mate Nick.  
  
Nick: We are really ripping off Jay and Silent Bob in this story.  
  
Shinji: Uh, I feel funny.  
  
Rune: Do not worry, in a few hours you shall just feel withdrawl but fine.  
  
Shinji: OH NO, NOT YOU GUYS!!!!  
  
Shinji tries to get up but trips over Pen-Pen.  
  
Shinji: Damn.  
  
Nick: We just wish to speak with you.  
  
Shinji: I still don't like the sounds of it.  
  
Rune: Silence. You did not watch the video.  
  
Shinji: . I don't trust you two.  
  
Nick: Why?  
  
Shinji: YOU MADE REI A POTHEAD!!!  
  
Rune: And she is happy because of it. Is that so bad?  
  
Shinji, starting to feel tired and funny: Actually not really, but she is coming over...  
  
Nick and Rune exchange glances. A knock is heard at the door.  
  
Rei: Ikari-kun I'm coming in.  
  
Rune: Shit.  
  
Rei sees the two SI writers and immediately grabs Rune by the throat.  
  
Rune: Good idea... brain cells dying... feeling smarter...  
  
Rei: GIVE ME THE FUCKING RECIPE FOR THOSE BROWNIES!!!!!  
  
Nick: How very un-Rei.   
  
Rune: okay.  
  
Rei lets him go.  
  
Rune: Mix brownie mix with the contents of this bag. Bake regularly and eat. You then have thirty minutes to get somewhere safe.  
  
Rei takes the bag and sniffs it.  
  
Rei: It smells like tobacco.  
  
Rune: Now that you're both here we have some news for you. Rei, do you wish to make Shinji happy?  
  
Rei: I am not sleeping with him.  
  
Nick: Rune means give him paradise.  
  
Rei: I don't see why not.  
  
Rune: Well, the plan's changed.  
  
Rune pulls out his hand, which contains Adam's embryo and sticks it into Rei's (ahem) special zone).  
  
Rune: GIVE ME PARADISE!!!!  
  
Rei: Only if you'll stop groping me.  
  
Rune: Damn! Fine.  
  
Rune moves his hand a little up.  
  
All throughout Tokyo-3 peoples heads explode into LCL, last is Rune as he is approached by smiling Rei's of doom.  
  
Rune: Mmmmm... smiling Rei's of doom.  
  
Paradise...  
  
I think I hear a song coming on.  
  
So... had any good fucks lately?  
  
All hail randomness.  
  
Is cold in here or am I happy to see you?  
  
Rune, Nick, and the Evangelion cast awaken in a field of sweet Amsterdam bud.  
  
Gendou: None of this shit was part of my scenario.  
  
Nick, stuffs his pockets with weed: I wonder what that brown stuff in that fountain is?  
  
Rune drinks some: A lot of Hennessy.   
  
Nick: So now what?  
  
Rune: What? We got what we want. Now we just chill and wrap up the story.  
  
Nick: This is your perfect world? Sweet.  
  
Rune: Well folks it's been fun, but Misato is beckoning me in the 'Field of Weeds".   
  
In the Real World...  
  
Eminem: And that's the story of Rune and his marijuana and what it might do to you. So, the moral is: With enough weed and computer power you can create your own paradise. 


End file.
